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The Men of California: A Commentary on the Opposite Sex on the Opposite Coast
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Tired of reading about my vacation yet? Too bad. California men are super blunt. Like, let’s-go-get-married-but-not-have-kids-for-two-years blunt. And it’s something to get used to. Not that men “back home” are passive, or even vague, but they at least beat around the bush A LITTLE when they want to [fill in the blank] with you. So as to not scare women off. Like we were skittish cats who need to be approached slowly. So being around all the men who are like, “Let’s bone, yesterday,” comes with a bit of a learning curve. If for nothing else than working on a poker face. The tactic was described to me, by one of them, as a way to pick up women. By being “sarcastic as f*ck.” So they can get closer to their main target, which is ladies, on all levels of classiness. Because it makes us laugh, and then they have an […]

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I Have a Lot of Hair
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In my 20-odd years, I’m grown a lot of hair. Like, tens of feet worth, probably. Maybe even hundreds. It just grows quickly. It’s also very thick; ponytails offer record-level headaches – that is, until the next trim and thin. (Believe me, balding dudes, if I could share it, I absolutely would.) With winter coming up, it’s kind of like a built-in scarf. And aside from the thousands I spend per year on hairspray and conditioner, I mostly like having it around. On top of my head that is, not so much for everywhere else it ends up. Like, everywhere; my sheets, the shower, and especially the floor. Vacuuming and sweeping calls for record amounts of clean up clean up. As in a cleaning of the devices you are using to clean. My office chair gets lint rolled every few months, calling for multiple sheets of paper. Even my car […]

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Halloween Isn’t Over, You’re Over
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Seeing as how I never wrote a Halloween post, I’m doing it now. Or maybe I wrote this three months ago and forgot about it – which seems just as plausible. Either way, this blog is about Halloween. Why? It’s a glorious holiday that deserves to be celebrated online just as much as it is IRL. In fact, it’s so glorious that I devote an entire Pandora station to its themes. And I listen to it year round, not exclusively, but whenever the ghoulish mood strikes. Here are some of the pimp-glorious songs they play. Halloween Hootenanny Sally’s Song Ghostbusters Superstition Riboflavin-flavored, Non-carbonated, Polyunsaturated Blood Honorable Mention Thriller (duh) I Put a Spell on You Weird Science The Time Warp Witch Doctor The Munsters (theme song) Love Potion Number Nine (double duh) Or you can just create your own Pandora station, the obvious choice.

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Vacation Was Great, Guys, Thanks for Asking
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Last week I got back from vacation. This week I worked. Last week was better than this week. And I want to go back to vacation immediately. Sure it was a little weird not having any responsibilities. Like any. I was thrown shade for trying to take out the trash, clients were all, “Oh you’re on vacation; we’ll talk when you get back.” I didn’t even drive except for 30 whole seconds when I moved a car. And it was pretty great. When you usually work nine hours a day, plus household chores, the opposite is, well, amazing. Which is to say doing none of those things. On a more permanent version of tripping (yes I’m scheming how to go on permanent vacation, who wouldn’t?), I’d find a way to make, say, $400 an hour and work only a few times a week. So as to not go broke. And […]

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Dating is Awkward: And I Only Go for Out-of-Staters, Part 2
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In case you missed part one, click here – where I talk about standoffish men and my attraction to long-distance relationships. Getting hit on is … weird. Especially when it’s by creeps. Where men say weird things and make bad jokes on account of trying to impress you. Meanwhile you’re wondering what happened to their social skills and who let them out of elementary school that way. So you try to get rid of them as quickly nicely as possible. There have been some classics in my day, the “No thank you, we don’t want any,” the, “Thanks for the cookie,” the “Why don’t you grab your own ass instead?” and for the super terrify-ers, a straight, “Pop off.” Each of which has had a varying range of leave-me-alone success. Because, let’s face it. You know as soon as you see the guy whether or not you’re interested. Personality can change your […]

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Dating is Awkward: And I Only Go for Out-of-Staters, Apparently
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In my months as a single gal, there have been a string of out-of-staters with whom I’ve made company. Men who don’t live in the same town, let alone state, but whom I’ve fraternized with anyway. (I realize “string” makes me sound like a real tramp, but just roll with it. It’s not like they got into my Kansas or felt my Manhattans.) And I’ve made a real routine out of it. Just as soon as I know they live in a different state – apparently – I start a whole bit. First I find out their job, then how old they are, how many tattoos they have, and whether or not they are full of crap. The latter may be a silent question, but it’s one I’m asking all-the-same. Just how many across-the-country Joes have they been? Three. In four months, there have been three.* And I’m not doing […]

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Favorite Things: chloe + isabel Jewelry Edition
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Ladies love jewelry. It’s a fact. Maybe some women love less flashy jewelry than others – like the kinds you make out of sticks and leaves – but it’s still jewelry all the same. Which is why, when one finds a great place to shop, she does her girl-bros a solid and spreads the word. Which is exactly what this blog is. I was recently introduced to the stylish ways of chloe + isable, a jewelry shop that sells some pretty UHH-mazing stuff. And two of their shop owners were kind enough to let me try out the products for myself. After taking approximately and hour to choose my favorites (seriously couldn’t decide) and then actually wearing said favorites, the results are in – and they’re looking pretty great. Here’s What I Got: This adorbs necklace in perfect fall colors. Aside from general necklace fare (yes, it hooks together and […]

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