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Vacation Was Great, Guys, Thanks for Asking
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Last week I got back from vacation. This week I worked. Last week was better than this week. And I want to go back to vacation immediately. Sure it was a little weird not having any responsibilities. Like any. I was thrown shade for trying to take out the trash, clients were all, “Oh you’re on vacation; we’ll talk when you get back.” I didn’t even drive except for 30 whole seconds when I moved a car. And it was pretty great. When you usually work nine hours a day, plus household chores, the opposite is, well, amazing. Which is to say doing none of those things. On a more permanent version of tripping (yes I’m scheming how to go on permanent vacation, who wouldn’t?), I’d find a way to make, say, $400 an hour and work only a few times a week. So as to not go broke. And […]

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Dating is Awkward: And I Only Go for Out-of-Staters, Part 2
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In case you missed part one, click here – where I talk about standoffish men and my attraction to long-distance relationships. Getting hit on is … weird. Especially when it’s by creeps. Where men say weird things and make bad jokes on account of trying to impress you. Meanwhile you’re wondering what happened to their social skills and who let them out of elementary school that way. So you try to get rid of them as quickly nicely as possible. There have been some classics in my day, the “No thank you, we don’t want any,” the, “Thanks for the cookie,” the “Why don’t you grab your own ass instead?” and for the super terrify-ers, a straight, “Pop off.” Each of which has had a varying range of leave-me-alone success. Because, let’s face it. You know as soon as you see the guy whether or not you’re interested. Personality can change your […]

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Dating is Awkward: And I Only Go for Out-of-Staters, Apparently
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In my months as a single gal, there have been a string of out-of-staters with whom I’ve made company. Men who don’t live in the same town, let alone state, but whom I’ve fraternized with anyway. (I realize “string” makes me sound like a real tramp, but just roll with it. It’s not like they got into my Kansas or felt my Manhattans.) And I’ve made a real routine out of it. Just as soon as I know they live in a different state – apparently – I start a whole bit. First I find out their job, then how old they are, how many tattoos they have, and whether or not they are full of crap. The latter may be a silent question, but it’s one I’m asking all-the-same. Just how many across-the-country Joes have they been? Three. In four months, there have been three.* And I’m not doing […]

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Favorite Things: chloe + isabel Jewelry Edition
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Ladies love jewelry. It’s a fact. Maybe some women love less flashy jewelry than others – like the kinds you make out of sticks and leaves – but it’s still jewelry all the same. Which is why, when one finds a great place to shop, she does her girl-bros a solid and spreads the word. Which is exactly what this blog is. I was recently introduced to the stylish ways of chloe + isable, a jewelry shop that sells some pretty UHH-mazing stuff. And two of their shop owners were kind enough to let me try out the products for myself. After taking approximately and hour to choose my favorites (seriously couldn’t decide) and then actually wearing said favorites, the results are in – and they’re looking pretty great. Here’s What I Got: This adorbs necklace in perfect fall colors. Aside from general necklace fare (yes, it hooks together and […]

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Brushing Back up on my California Slang

Good news everyone – well, good news for me: I’m going on vacation. A long one. Because I am self employed and because I want to. And also because I miss my sister, who is now a resident of the West Coast. In less than 10 days I’ll be visiting her and her California-based location. For almost two full weeks of hang time, clothes sharing, and being ultra touristy — what up, Hollywood. BTW is Tijuana safe yet? And I’m getting super pumped about it. I haven’t seen her since my last vacation, which is going on five full months, which is too long to have not taken a vacation for, IMO. Yes, This Announcement is Safe For all the paranoid readers out there, yes this announcement is totally safe. I may be leaving soon, but my roommate and her super vicious dog will still be holding down the fort […]

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Can Someone Just Publish My Book Already?
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About the time I graduated and moved back in with my parents, I started writing a book. A real David Sedaris-inspired collection of essays. But ones that didn’t necessarily relate to one another or have any cohesive theme. Which is what that one literary agent told me that one time. The accomplishment, I thought, would be a real pop-off to everyone who judged me for being a millennial. For paying my student loans with tips from scotch and waters … on account of me pouring the scotch far heavier than the water. That and they’d read my book and realize how hilarious I am. Essentially, it seemed like a great way to profit while handing out a large supply of comeuppance. Only it didn’t turn out that way. Four-plus years later I’m still sitting on this goldmine of a manuscript. (Goldmine, I tell you.) With only a few published essays […]

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A List of Firsts, and Also Seconds
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The Intro There’s been little veiling about the life changes brought on by 2014 – new address, new office, new intern to push around and hear an endless supply of jokes from. New year, new activities. And aside from the point of impact, it’s been a real bitchin’ time. One that has caused me to go outside of my comfort zone and into a whole new realm of comforts. Most days have been groovy, neat-o, and an all around rad time. But because there is an exception to every rule, there was that one day that caused an addict-level relapse, which your Mom, Cork Head, said was from the full moon and you say was from continual universe shade, which culminated in an afternoon of tuurrible timing. BUT it could be worse. While all ^ was happening, my friend who lives up on the hill (no not that hill, the […]

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