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I’m Bad at Babies
Posted by Bethaney - Tagged , ,

Shocker, I know. Everyone was super surprised to read that title. That I, the baby whisperer, am claiming to not know about infants. Or how to care for them, or dress them, or talk in that high-pitched voice that they seem to understand, but gets on adults’ nerves. Just kidding! That was sarcasm, all of it. I don’t think anyone in the history of ever meeting me is surprised by that title statement. They’re probably surprised I haven’t said it sooner. That is, assuming they hadn’t heard it already. It’s not that I hate babies or want nothing to do with them. It’s that I don’t quite know how they work; I’m out of practice. And really never have been in practice. By the time you get used to helping with one (a family member, for instance), they’re onto the next confusing stage. And you have to learn what to […]

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Holding Down the Fort: A Commentary on Being Home
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My boyfriend, Bo, is gone on business. And I’m trying not to be a little bitch about it. Not because I think he’s off drinking martinis or asking busty waitresses for extra olives. (Mostly because he hates olives.) But because we can’t communicate. No calls, no texting, no Skyping, or any other form of back-and-forth other than me thinking something and assuming he thought it first. (A real recipe for disaster.) Because he’s off practicing bad assery, phones aren’t allowed. His boss doesn’t care about whiney girlfriends who miss their men. It cares about results and not having to put in cell towers where they don’t belong. In the big scheme of things, it’s not that big of a deal. I can’t talk to him for a few weeks. Boo freaking hoo. But here, in the status quo, the silence seems … in slow motion. I haven’t checked my phone in hours. […]

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Being Healthy is Kind of Miserable
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Eating healthy makes you feel better. It’s a fact. So does exercise and not sleeping all day. Even when it’s freezing outside. But just because it’s good for you – and makes you feel better – doesn’t mean the actual act(s) themselves are enjoyable. Sometimes, even when it’s what you should do, and know it’s “the best thing for you” (or whatever), it’s all the more uncomfortable. Like when you go to the gym and it’s so crowded. And there’s never any parking. Or you don’t know how to use the different weight lifting machines. Or all the workers are wearing all black and up in your grill. Which is to say walking around and giving tours within 10 feet of where you’re located. Eating healthy sometimes isn’t that great, either. Like when you NEED something that’s salty and crunches when you bite. Or when the lettuce freezes, even in […]

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Sexism and Hypocrisy: Things That Happen
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It’s time I put my foot down. In the hardest, announciest way I know how. #ThatFootisMe   If I had an amount of money for every time I was talked down to, from having lady parts, I’d be retired and rich.* As if I, a woman, can’t function in life as efficiently as a man. That a Y chromosome is needed to make me complete, or safe, or financially stable, or whatever else it is about the male form that requires us gals to adhere ourselves to their existence. Even though I air up my own tires and take out my own trash, you know, when my roommate’s boyfriend hasn’t already done it. Not everyone follows this mantra – I’ll give you that – but a certain percentage of the population is still out there. Querying us with pity in their eyes and sexism in their hearts. Generally, it comes […]

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Anything Can Happen Week, But Only Some Things Did
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Most days, I am boring. I work, I work out. Finish chores, make lists of other things that need checked off. I eat, and also sleep, and play with my cat. His litter box gets cleaned in the evenings. Right before I shower and settle into my already-made bed. Of course, fun is had. But in a timely manner – once responsibilities have been taken care of. Bills paid. But last week, it was one for the books. Crazy shiz was happening every day. I got record amounts of work done. Fun approached haphazardly and without warning. Sickness struck even when there was plenty to be done, which I powered through. Wednesday events happened on a Tuesday, Friday was a whirlwind. Normal Tuesday events didn’t take place at all. It was like I was some sort of college heathen who never knows what day it was. A whopper of February […]

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My Cat is Annoying: Part 2
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With cabin fever season underway, it’s time to talk about the elephant in the room. Or rather, the very obvious cat. Who climbs all over me and anyone else who will sit still long enough. His name is Toga and it’s his job to be up in grills. When I wrote this original post on his fury-inducing behavior, I hadn’t intended for it to be a two-parter. I’d complained about him enough (in blog form) to last his entire lifetime. Or at least until he developed a completely new habit I needed to tell everyone about. (Especially one particular Veletti (lil ging), who is my number one blog fan, but a hater of animals that can claw.) Except that it wasn’t enough. Winter – all four months of it – has proved too much for his attention span to handle. All the days of not going outside and not sitting […]

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Traveling Like a Ratchet: The Lemony Snickets of Februaries Part 2
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Last week we talked about a series of #WhiteGirlProbs. Today, we wrap them up … so we can all move on like they never even happened. Or just keep laughing about it – whichever feels better at the time.   After weighing some terrible options, Ginger Friend and I rented a car. In order to get home after missing our flight. On account of not wanting to spend a night in an airport or pay hundreds of dollars to take a different flight. Because of logic and my chronic lack of patience. We navigated the Internet and also the airport, until finding a PIMP deal. It was one of the few times I’ve proudly stated, “Yes I’m over 25” and meant it. A shuttle ride later, we landed near the tiny dream car that would save the day. We answered the company’s questions; we wanted to drop off our vehicle […]

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