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Things That Happen When you Join a Gym

I joined a gym … here are some of the things that have happened in my first month as a paying-for-fitness yuppie. And don’t worry, I still hate lifting weights (and running), but I don’t hate dancing. Bring on the hip-hop Zumba, terrifying teacher with infinite amounts of energy and who doesn’t need a microphone to make her voice carry across an entire sea of white women. Some day I will truly learn to shake it like you can. And not in the embarrassing, what-is-she-doing level that I’ve currently mastered. Every time you show up you’re scared you got the schedule wrong because what are those people doing and why are they still doing it? And isn’t it time for the much more gentler version of toe pointing and rump moving? The tats – they’re everywhere. And you are most scared of the smallest of people with the largest tattoos […]

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My Apartment is Lesbian Free … “Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That”
Posted by Bethaney - Tagged , , , , ,

As an avid lover of Friends, I never thought much about the whole adult roommate situation. Not only was it financially responsible, it provided ample opportunities for pajama parties or locking one another in an oversized box. Also, the show told me it was smart to be BFFs with your across-the-hall neighbors. Because if you are only kind of friends, it gets awkward since you aren’t able to lie about plans. But if you are best friends, you don’t mind if they drink all your coffee and raid your closet. IRL, however, the practice is far sketchier; life has not turned out to be the sitcom I’d imagined. Since I’ve moved in, every resident on the floor has cleared out, leaving zero opportunities for across-the-hall besties. Only one friend has wedding-dressed-up to drink on the couch, and instead of being called “financially responsible,” I’m called a “closet lesbian.” On account of […]

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Why Don’t I Have a Pool?
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Now that summer is over (kind of), it’s time to ask some of the more serious questions in life. Like why I don’t live where there is a pool. Or rather, where I can use one legally. (I’m not against fence hopping in some instances, but not when you have to face your neighbors on a regular basis, and when they did not invite you to use their pool in the first place, it could get real weird real quick.) Yet despite living in the pretentious part of town – let me spell my street name for you one more time Jimmy Johns, even though YOU WON’T DELIVER HERE! – there are exactly zero bodies of water on the premises. And if you’re going to name a division after French words that translate to “lake or pool,” you should definitely have a lake or pool. Or multiples of both. My […]

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Six Years and No Wal-Mart
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Earlier this week marked my sixth anti-Wal-Mart a-versary. Which means it’s time to buy myself candy (done) and iron (double done), which are the official gifts of six faithful years. Probably a card, too, on account of me being so happy with the status. The Boycott Ever since shopping that-which-shall-not-be-named in July of 2008 – and having the absolute worst experience of my life – I vowed off of them forever. There’s been a handful of times where I’ve neared the premises with others, usually waiting in the car like some sort of brat. But zero patronage has come from my bank account. In fact, if I actually do enter their doors, I’m sure to use the bathroom out of spite. A flush/hand washing probably costs them all of $.002, but it makes me feel better. Which is really what counts. The boycott didn’t start off as political; I was […]

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The Man Basket: Aaron Rodgers Edition
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It’s been a minute since our last (and first) edition of The Man Basket, for which I’m not going to apologize. Aside from me feeling like a pseudo-skeeve for creating men-focused blogs, I’ve had a hard time finding a guy worthy enough to mention. As soon as I found one who fit the bill, he’d turn out to be a Scientologist … or way too into Chubbies shorts. This time, though, I think we’ve found a solid winner. And surprisingly, another Aaron. It must be all the vowels; who knew they were so subconsciously attractive? Meet Aaron Rodgers, Aaron Rodgers, meet The Man Basket. For anyone living in a football-less hole, he’s also known as quarterback for the Green Bay Packers. Which is pretty much my favorite bay.* This hunky, dark-headed man is a powerhouse on the football field and an even bigger powerhouse when it comes to the ladies. […]

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Shave Time: Tips for Finding your Friends at the Bar
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There’s something we need to get out of the way: I like parties. I like fun, barbecues, card games; I like dancing and boozing, snacks, finding New York’s hottest club, and I especially like my friends. Which is why, when said partying takes place – to whatever degree – I appreciate not losing them. Unfortunately, that goal has had various levels of success. Before the days of smartphones – or before the days when we were smart enough to make an actual plan – we regularly lost one another. Mostly never on purpose. But now that we are old and wiser, or at least more versed in our antics, we’ve found almost foolproof ways to keep one another in check. So that, when one of us gets lost, we can locate our missing sheep … and in half the time. To save hours of confusion the next time you and […]

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At the Last Showing of the World Cup
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Since I am a huge fan of Harry Potter, I know the World Cup happens only every four years. Like the Olympics. But since I am not a huge fan of soccer – or even a mild fan of soccer – I was well into my 20s before realizing it wasn’t a J.K. Rowling-invented game. Turns out this thing’s been going on for years. In both muggle and wizard forms. In its most recent showing, Germany took home the title of “World’s Best Soccer Players” and Snapchat did not want me to miss out. Seriously, they sent infinite stories of people going nuts for the sport. Though to be fair, that’s also how I found out who was playing in the finals, and who subsequently won. Why? 1) I have the free version of cable – supplemented by Netflix and a Chromecast, which are two of modern day’s best inventions. […]

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