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A List of Firsts, and Also Seconds
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The Intro There’s been little veiling about the life changes brought on by 2014 – new address, new office, new intern to push around and hear an endless supply of jokes from. New year, new activities. And aside from the point of impact, it’s been a real bitchin’ time. One that has caused me to go outside of my comfort zone and into a whole new realm of comforts. Most days have been groovy, neat-o, and an all around rad time. But because there is an exception to every rule, there was that one day that caused an addict-level relapse, which your Mom, Cork Head, said was from the full moon and you say was from continual universe shade, which culminated in an afternoon of tuurrible timing. BUT it could be worse. While all ^ was happening, my friend who lives up on the hill (no not that hill, the […]

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People Who Throw The Most Shade
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Some days, people hate me. And almost every day, I hate them back. From the drivers who think speed limits are a number your car should never ever reach, to every mom who has ever bumped me out of her way with a stroller (nope, don’t care if you have a kid, get that stroller off my shins, please), here are the people who throw the most shade. And why I hate them for it. Siri As in the voice of the iPhone. Siri has never really done me any good and it’s time I called her out on it. In three years she’s misunderstood me, gave directions in wrong states, and told me places I’ve been multiple times didn’t even exist. Seriously, why does this “perk” even exist? It’s like the Microsoft of iPhone functions. (That nerd joke makes sense, right?) Most recently, after I dropped her in the […]

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I Went to a Paint Party, and it Was a Damn Good Time
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Note: this blog was written after it got a record number of requests (three). Keep the topics coming and I’ll keep writing them. When life gives you paint, sometimes you just have to throw it on one another. (Obviously.) And sometimes, you buy a concert ticket and get coated in paint from firefighting-sized hoses. (Less obviously.) And it’s the best thing you’ve done. Like, for a while. Sure your hair got incredibly crispy – more disgusting than it’s been since that one time you got thrown in the mud – or the time you had your tonsils taken out and were doctor-ordered not to tilt back your head for a week. And maybe the paint party was 947 degrees with zero breeze. But you were also with your friends, and at a concert. Where neon paint was being blasted around – so really, how bad could it be? The answer […]

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Things That Happen When you Join a Gym

I joined a gym … here are some of the things that have happened in my first month as a paying-for-fitness yuppie. And don’t worry, I still hate lifting weights (and running), but I don’t hate dancing. Bring on the hip-hop Zumba, terrifying teacher with infinite amounts of energy and who doesn’t need a microphone to make her voice carry across an entire sea of white women. Some day I will truly learn to shake it like you can. And not in the embarrassing, what-is-she-doing level that I’ve currently mastered. Every time you show up you’re scared you got the schedule wrong because what are those people doing and why are they still doing it? And isn’t it time for the much more gentler version of toe pointing and rump moving? The tats – they’re everywhere. And you are most scared of the smallest of people with the largest tattoos […]

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My Apartment is Lesbian Free … “Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That”
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As an avid lover of Friends, I never thought much about the whole adult roommate situation. Not only was it financially responsible, it provided ample opportunities for pajama parties or locking one another in an oversized box. Also, the show told me it was smart to be BFFs with your across-the-hall neighbors. Because if you are only kind of friends, it gets awkward since you aren’t able to lie about plans. But if you are best friends, you don’t mind if they drink all your coffee and raid your closet. IRL, however, the practice is far sketchier; life has not turned out to be the sitcom I’d imagined. Since I’ve moved in, every resident on the floor has cleared out, leaving zero opportunities for across-the-hall besties. Only one friend has wedding-dressed-up to drink on the couch, and instead of being called “financially responsible,” I’m called a “closet lesbian.” On account of […]

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Why Don’t I Have a Pool?
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Now that summer is over (kind of), it’s time to ask some of the more serious questions in life. Like why I don’t live where there is a pool. Or rather, where I can use one legally. (I’m not against fence hopping in some instances, but not when you have to face your neighbors on a regular basis, and when they did not invite you to use their pool in the first place, it could get real weird real quick.) Yet despite living in the pretentious part of town – let me spell my street name for you one more time Jimmy Johns, even though YOU WON’T DELIVER HERE! – there are exactly zero bodies of water on the premises. And if you’re going to name a division after French words that translate to “lake or pool,” you should definitely have a lake or pool. Or multiples of both. My […]

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Six Years and No Wal-Mart
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Earlier this week marked my sixth anti-Wal-Mart a-versary. Which means it’s time to buy myself candy (done) and iron (double done), which are the official gifts of six faithful years. Probably a card, too, on account of me being so happy with the status. The Boycott Ever since shopping that-which-shall-not-be-named in July of 2008 – and having the absolute worst experience of my life – I vowed off of them forever. There’s been a handful of times where I’ve neared the premises with others, usually waiting in the car like some sort of brat. But zero patronage has come from my bank account. In fact, if I actually do enter their doors, I’m sure to use the bathroom out of spite. A flush/hand washing probably costs them all of $.002, but it makes me feel better. Which is really what counts. The boycott didn’t start off as political; I was […]

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