The amount of political coverage is continuing to grow by the day, and the ratio of decent TV shows have swindled accordingly. Last fall, primaries and decided candidates were a calendar change away. But now that the election still has a whopping nine months to go – yes that’s the equivalent of a human pregnancy; babies that have yet to be conceived will be born before the presidential winner is announced – it’s everywhere. Everywhere. There are signs along the highway, sponsored messages in my Twitter feed, recorded messages are calling my house – if my voting choice is down to the wire, I’ll simply choose who contacted me the least. But most annoyingly, the yet-to-take-place elections are affecting my TV watching.
New shows haven’t been on for weeks, and I blame politics. Not network or interdepartmental politics, but the big kind: Uncle Sam.*
When I sit down to the DVR, I don’t want to watch middle-aged suits dodge questions. Nor do I want to watch an angry Nancy Grace point out policy flaws. I want to watch comedy shows. Ted has probably already explained “How I Met Your Mother,” New Girl is certainly up to some fresh quirky adventures, and I don’t even remember what the cast of Pan Am looks like. Why isn’t there public voting for TV lineups? State of the Union vs. House. Probably because it would be a landslide and Hugh Laurie is a sore winner.
To understand my disdain for politics, you should also know that I hate things that are boring. Golf tournaments are a great way to put me to sleep, watching others play video“games” is super dull, and during church it’s best if the preacher uses lots of hand gestures.
I Don’t Understand Your Jargon
In the same way that someone whose never seen bossaball (it’s a sport; look it up) wouldn’t know the rules, I don’t know how to play politics.
Bumper Stickers Make Me Want to Puke
Graffiting your car with candidate names will only make me want to run you off the road. Do you think seeing a name taped to a bumper will make me back your candidate? Or do you have a large supply of Goo Gone that makes sticker placement irrelevant? Either way, I’m not biting.
Exception: if you have a vehicle sticker supporting a military member, I would definitely vote for you … in the election of who uses bumper stickers correctly.
Oh, SNL is Doing that One Political Skit
Nope, not funny. I don’t get your jokes; I don’t even know who you’re impersonating. Yes, you’re a great writer and all, Seth Meyers, but step outside the comfort box please. If you went to
Lorne Michaels with 74 jokes on any other single topic, he’d force you to play all of the characters of Jersey Shore.
To ease the minds of ballot pushers everywhere, yes I vote. About a week before Election Day, I hit up my BFF Google, and I get to researching. I weigh the decisions against the annoyances, and I pick the candidate who sucks the least. Also, I like the free “I Voted Today” stickers.
This coming November, I’ll be lined up, forced to produce two forms of ID to elderly volunteers, just like the rest of the voters. I’ll have done my homework, and have a vague idea of the issues at hand, like a substitute teacher who was also amnesic. But, until that day, I don’t want to hear about it. Let’s pretend that politics, you are an overzealous salesman and I am your prey. You know I want to buy something, but until I seek you out for help, leave me the hell alone, and let me watch my shows.
* Who is Uncle Sam? I’ve never met him or seen a portrait that wasn’t a cartoon.