In a little over a week the country will be yet again experiencing its birthday – an act that brings on dangerous explosions, outdoor eating, and record amounts of flags. On this day, United States, you will be turning 236 and quite frankly, I have no idea what to get you. What does a country need that a single, young person can provide? Would you like a nice knitted scarf that might fit a nano centimeter of your body? Perhaps a card that provides no reference to your age, but instead points out your ravishing personality? Most people, when their birthday is approaching, I simply ask what they’d like; you though, I cannot give the same treatment.
Are those wearing red and white stripes enough to appease your birthday pride? Do shady and heated fireworks stands remind you of what a loving family and friend base you have? Maybe yourself, Canada, and Mexico have some sort of gift exchange worked out, trading hamburgers, maple syrup, and sombreros, respectively, each time your personal anniversary comes along.
Or are you now to an age where you’d wish people quit reminding you how old you are? My grandfather hit this stage at 79, so I can only imagine what type of hostility you have nearing three times that age.
Independence Day in title, however, I have a great appreciation for. Not only does your birthday have a name, it has two. My birthday isn’t named after its corresponding month and day, let alone by an entirely additional proper noun. What no other person has accomplished singly, you have doubled.
And what an act against confusion, naming your special day after its calendar date.
President’s Day is inconclusive; there is a president every day of the year, but only plural persons once every four (or eight years). Yet to my knowledge it’s celebrated all years, and not even on the afore mentioned day. Memorial and Labor days are another crap shoot – both being profession-based. And Arbor Day has no sense of identity – trees? Whose supposed to associate them with rotating Fridays? How am I to remember when these days exist?
All in all though, U.S., you should be set for a solid birthday celebration. The Royals are set to play the Blue Jays, fireworks will be sold at half off, and Oprah will most likely be running some type of special or inspirational movie marathon – all in honor of you. If I were you, I’d sit at home in my bathrobe, crack open a bottle of the expensive champagne, and enjoy aging with grace.
*”Your voice, it makes me melt like a Popsicle on the Fourth of July.” – The Little Rascals