Earl & Other Greys

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This article was written on 25 Jul 2012, and is filled under amazing ideas, books, things I hate.

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Forms of Losing: Unrelated Cousins

In the terms of “sore loser,” I’m about as unsore as they get. While other fans forgot to stretch or prepare for their workout, I was prepped, warmed up, and even did an extensive cool down after the fact … just to stay pain-free. I’m a regular bottle of Icy Hot-infused aspirin; the aches just don’t affect me.

The source of said numbness comes from a small bone structure, as well as a lifetime of untalented teams. When you are a frail lady that comes from Kansas, you’re hardly used to winning at all, let alone on a regular basis. Oh, what’s that? The Royals were defeated again? The Chiefs are ranked last in the history of the NFL? Losing, at least in sports, is nothing if not familiar news.

Unless it has anything to do with my precious Wildcats* (remind me to tell you about the time a client said “Go KU,” as a sign off and then hung up the phone. Although really, that was the whole story.), I’m not taking offense. Especially if it’s me. I’m bad at race driving, basketball, catching, tackling (probably; I’ve never tried), and almost anything else that involves sports. The only athletic skills I own are 1) hula hooping. And 2) jumping, which usually happens when [insert driver’s name] is parking next to a puddle, and apologizes for the ill placement of their car. I then comfort them by saying, “It’s ok. I’m so good at jumping,” and then demonstrate said good skills by clearing the puddle with ease and panache.

In the Physical

Whenever I do bring up the topic of losing things, 103 percent of the time I’m referring to actual items. Clothing, retainers, gas caps – a piece that has been somehow erased from my possession. Because I’m a note taker, both physically and mentally, I rarely forget where I’ve placed something. My yarn collection? It’s in that purple tub in the basement. My taxes from every season are in a box in the closet, and every book I’ve ever owned has a specific shelving assignment. I don’t try to be particular, by brain just remembers things better that way.

Of course, in the same way that the Williams sisters aren’t more muscular than every man they come in contact with, I too can’t uphold a perfect reputation. Sometimes the odds are just against you. Once in every four or so blue moons, I’ll misplace a belonging, frustrating me beyond the length of a shut out tennis match. Where did I put it? Did I really lose it? Then after a series of brainstorming sessions and backtracking, my focus changes. Who stole it/moved it without my permission? Mostly, the item is found weeks later in a stored away suitcase or tampon case, accounting for its lengthy absence.

My current loss, a WordPress t-shirt, has been MIA for a solid three months. It’s nothing personal, WP, I swear! A glorious and comfy shirt of one of my favorite brands, even if it does conflict with my hatred of Texas, is truly a loss to be mourned. (On the other hand, maybe my Texas-hating side hid it subconsciously.)

*Now, back to the Cats

Like every rule ever, there too is an exception to my anti-pained losing abilities: the Kansas State Wildcats – the only form of cat I enjoy.

My alma mater/best school ever invented, K-State, should be immune to losing. Like cures for rubella, hep C, and the poxes, K-State’s players should be injected with an anti-loss vaccine … once signing a legally binding contract. This concoction would prove their superiority, and also have seniority over crappy ref calls – or anyone who thinks saluting should be punished. In addition, every other team, when fouling, trash talking, or over dramatizing an injury, would be ousted for cheating. No rebuttals allowed. Even though Frank Martin, former basketball coach, left for more lateral goals, his face would be used to punish those found guilty. In the best kind of terrifying, players would be forced to stare into Martin’s soul-sucking eyes for multiple minutes at a time.

And finally, Collin Klein, current quarterback and upcoming senior (tear), will retroactively be awarded the Heisman trophy for his outstanding efforts. The decision will be so landslided that he’ll also win for the 2013 season. Finally, after ending his collegiate career, he’ll unite with Jordy Nelson at the Green Bay Packers’ receiving team – Klein will have to switch positions because I’m not reassigning Aaron Rodgers. That would just be ridiculous. But in a world of double Heismans, I suppose no job is off limits.

WordPress photo courtesy of TeamStickerGiant 

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