As an avid lover of #whitepeopleproblems, 80s movies, and anything that can be blown out of proportion, I like to think I have an above average imagination. (Working through various plots requires serious viewer participation. Did anyone else see Back to the Future Part 2?)
1) In college, I made a literal “jumping to conclusions” mat, where real-life situations were solved by actually landing a decision. (Like the one from Office Space, but with more creative results. And glitter.) 2) My dreams often feature ridiculous scenarios, such as ghost hunting via cake or lighting iguanas on fire as an alternate form of self-defense. 3) I am a writer, which sometimes requires stretching pieces to make things fit.
But when these dreams are not occurring, I, like the rest of the world, am rattled with hypothetical pickles. Rather than reaching satisfactory REM cycles, I force isosceli* into parallelogram-shaped problems.
- Why do American shoe sizes start over? In Europe a size 7 is equivalent to a 39, and a gigantic 241 in Korea. How are we to shoe shop overseas?
- When will there be an outlawing of loud commercials? Do marketing companies think we are more likely to fill our homes with trash and spray Febreeze after watching others doing it at an increased volume? Will we trade in our almost-paid-for cars just because famous people encourage us to do so … loudly?
- When will someone oust Perez Hilton for being the original Mean Girl? He insults for a living and still gets outstanding web traffic.
- Why don’t real products exist from movies? While I can make Manny, who is a Wes Anderson aficionado, a knitted red hat (post-Christmas spoiler) and I can sew a “Z” onto his sweaters, I cannot fashion a pair of Zissou Adidas shoes.
- Will someone invent a cure for forgetfulness already? No more will we enter a room and forget the reason for leaving our comfy recliners. Errands will be met and remotes always found.
- Why do some McDonalds locations have double cheeseburgers on the $1 menu and others don’t? Clearly, if it’s available, they are making a profit. Why must you make us drive across town, Ronald?
These, among so many others, keep my brain buzzing at night. Besides, who wants to stress about the electoral collage or international relations when there’s more important issues looming? Once tire air pumps are again free, and whenever blue cheese bests ranch as most-beloved salad dressing, only then will I get some sleep.
*As in plural for isosceles triangles