Hold your freaking horses. It’s true. The country house, the same one where a mouse ran across my face, and where we froze our rears off, was once home to a Who-the-Bleep antagonist. Or rather, the reason for the featured normal person being on the show. And not only was it the home of the bad guy, it was a bad gal –one of the rare ladies out to ruin a husband’s live. Or in the case of Shauna Keith, abovementioned occupant, husbands’. She was a known bigamist. I’ll hold on while you pick your jaw up off the floor.
If your not a fan of the show, it’s a real-life series on Investigation Discovery that features seemingly normal marriages gone wrong. Like the wife of Joey Buttafuoco or the DC Sniper. And also serial bigamist, Shauna.
In case you want to learn more about her background, check out this article: Six Husbands – Six Empty Wallets
When moving out, I remember the landlords talking about “the gal who was already married and wanted by the FBI” who used to live there. They’d mentioned it as a quip, how they’d had much worse tenants in the past. (Not that they’d disliked us, or rather Manny, but in comparison, we were thousands of percents better, they’d said.) The story seemed odd at the time, but other than Googling “lady bigamist” and “Richard Creek Road,” I had no idea of figuring out who. I also figured there was a large chance they were exaggerating.
Until last week, when I saw the episode featuring the lady bigamist. It wasn’t the same husband featured in the show, it was some other poor sap. But the Kansas husband was listed as next to be married in her string of men.
The Proof … Or Lack Thereof
To be fair, I don’t have proof, per say, that it’s the same woman. But here’s my circumstantial evidence: the mention from the landlords, it’s the only listed Kansas woman bigamy reference within years, and the Internet, which is ways right. And aside from writing her a letter and asking her former address, I’m not sure how I’d prove it. Besides, suffering from Munchausen’s syndrome – you know, the thing Eminem’s mom allegedly had – she’d probably lie.
Also to be fair, this was Manny’s house, not mine. Though I stayed there most weekends and beyond, I never paid actual bills or had a closet full of clothes, which is pretty much the deciding factor in ownership. But that didn’t exactly fit in a headline.
So now I’m dealing with the fact that I “lived” where a know criminal once called temporary home. And wondering which changes were hers.
Did she put in the textured shelving paper? Were the new blinds her doing? Which side of the hillside garage was hers? And how did she decorate the wood paneling? I’m dying to know. Also, what type of illegal shenanigans did she pull in the shared space? Maybe she hid her duplicate licenses in the worlds most terrifying of basements, maybe she switched out wedding rings in the adjacent sewing room. Or kept stacks of cash in the joint attic closet. Sadly I’ll never know.
Avoiding the Bleeps
Aside from looking to the poor unsuspecting men hat should have been way more suspecting (How do you marry someone within a few months and give them access to all your money? Without even a single Google search. At the very least why not say, “Cool, you have a business degree? LET ME SEE HOUR DIPLOMA!”), let’s focus on Shauna’s, err, talents.
Pretty much the only thing I know about bigamy is that it’s illegal. And that Mormons Do it. How’d she know all about obtaining social security numbers, forging certificates, and how to work the system? Last time I checked “identity theft 101” wasn’t a college course. Instead of using these skills to ruin lives, she should have used them for something good, like forgery identity for the government, or an honorable form of expert lying.
Once when cleaning, I found an old journal with some pictures and a freaking social security card. (OMG) I assumed it was the last occupants (also military) and had Manny give it to the landlords, as it held personal info. Being polite, I never read the names.
Since they had a forwarding address and said nothing about said address being jail, it probably wasn’t hers. But what if it was. For arguments sake, let’s say it was Shauna’s journal of criminal activity. (All criminals keep those, right?) A way to keep track of wedding dates and husband info. Then, upon seeing the as card, which was obvi a fake, I could have turned it over to the authorities. For my help they would have thanked me with juicy case details. Because when you help solve crimes, the cops are required to tell you everything. Then again, a seasoned bigamist would have been far too smart to leave a journal lying around.
It was probably the first thing she packed.
For the rest of single men, rest assured that Shauna is serving jail time for her crimes against marriage. But that doesn’t mean other Munchausen-syndrome-money-stealer-bigamist-ladies aren’t out there just waiting to marry you within the week. To avoid that same fate, use this as a cautionary tale – not only for tying the knot, but for rental property history. You never know what kind of crazies are hiding in the woodwork.