Back in my days as a housewife, I created a catch-all contraption known as “The Man Basket.” Because I hate clutter with a fiery passion, I’d compile all the things that weren’t mine (but didn’t have a home), and put them into a single basket. But now it’s time to upcycle that term. Like it was a sack of cans getting exchanged for cash – something old for something better. You know, because I’m super green.
Essentially, I’m picturing a literal basket full of men. So that, like drawing for charades, I can pick one and tell you what’s wonderful about them. (At whatever interval I feel like.) Because, as it turns out, I have an excellent talent for objectifying men. Except there is no actual basket and no picking; I’m choosing the names myself. But if you’re going to get that technical, we’ll never get anywhere.
Quit asking specifics already and dive with me into this glorious basket of men.
The Basket Says:
I first found him in 2012 when he was fighting the French government in Les Misérables. Apparently he’d been around for a while but, 1) I live in Kansas which is states away from Broadway. And 2) my only interaction with Gossip Girl (which he’s also in) was in 2008 when my cousin/roommate said, “Do you want to watch this show? It’s about a girl that knows all this gossip and texts it out anonymously.” And I said “Cheah right!” Because I in no way wanted to watch that show, and had just given her future husband the ugliest of Wayne Campbell haircuts. (She would go on to forgive us both.)
Enjolras, sans musket.
When I was finally introduced to his acting skillz, I thought for sure lady character Éponine was after the wrong guy. Sure Marius is all rich, which is important when everyone is dirty and starving. But Enjolras has that hair … and that face.
Then she proved to know just why she was crushing so hard. Marius takes romance REAL seriously; he falls in love with one glance (albeit not with her). Meanwhile Enjolras is all “I’ll die fighting,” and “It’s war, not women, you bag of buttholes,” which is not exactly what you want in a boyfriend. In fact, his quote “Who cares about your lonely soul?” is French for “Cancel Thursday’s fondue and reschedule for never.” Which is pretty much the opposite of Romeo and Juliet.
Aaron Tveit also plays FBI agent mike warren in USA’s Graceland. And aside from him having to lie about everything because he’s undercover, this is clearly the best choice – you know if you needed your life saved and had to choose who’d do the rescuing.
Undercover Mike, carrying what’s probably real-life drugs.
Additional evidence: Enjolras dies, I couldn’t keep up with all that French/English accent changing, and life seems way more dramatic when you’re constantly explaining yourself through song.
The biggest flaw about this on-stage threat: he seems like he could be all Uncle Jesse about his hair. (And with that hair, why wouldn’t he be?) So that, after a show you’re like “Great caboose shaking up there.” And when you go to hug him he blocks and says “Not the hair!” And because he offended you when you’re trying to be nice you say, “Why don’t you patent your hairspray face shield already? Oh wait, someone already did!” And then you get in the hugest of fights.
Other possibilities: he’s a real theater snob and says things like “That’s not how we do things I the th-e-uh-tre.” And spits while he over pronounces. Or nothing because he’s glorious.
Congrats for being first out of the basket, Mr. Tveit. May you continue to fight the bad guys with all centuries of guns.