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This Just In: I’m Old
Posted by Bethaney - Tagged , ,
This Just In: I’m Old

angry guys from the muppets posing in suitsWhen a lady reaches a certain age (above 21), she gets used to not having to recite her birthdate every place she goes. Sure bouncers, liquor stores, or skeevy guys making sure they’re not hitting on scouts from To Catch a Predator will usually inquire. But the rest of the time, you just live your life … age aside.

So when you get asked how old you are … a lot … while on vacation, it’s a little, umm, surprising. It’s even more surprising when every time you answer you hear, “No you’re not.” “You’re lying.” And “there’s no way!” Like my age is too old for how old I actually am. Sure it’s a little flattering – accidental humblebrag right there – but when everyone guffaws continuously, it makes you wonder what in the crap is wrong with you. Like your face hasn’t caught up with your birthdate. Or that your born-on number is a lie. Newsflash: I’m not going to lie about being older. That’s like lying that you weigh more than you actually do. (Which comes in handy only when giving blood for class credit.)

Do I like it when people think my younger sister is older than me? Or my twin? Duh.

Do I like it when I have to prove my age by showing my ID? No.

Do I like it when 16-year-olds flirt and when I tell them I’m closer to twice their age than their actual age and they turn pale and say “You’re not 20-cough-mumble.” Hell no.

Go do homework, kid!

someecard birthday joke about being oldFrom here on out, I’m planning to avoid the question altogether so as to sidestep any confusion. Unless my age legitimately needs to be known, I’ll simply change the subject. So when someone asks, I’ll just answer with a “How old do you think I am?” And then say that they are right, no matter how far off.

And for anyone who actually gets the answer, this is a warning to be kind. I may be small, but like any old lady, I’m meaner than I look. So watch out, because my dentures bite hard.

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