America – the land of the free and the beer-drinking brave. Where the star-spangled flags are flowing, speed limits are suggestions, and where beer is served in slightly-above-freezing temperatures. Where, thinking caps in tow, we can turn an entire day of holiday celebrating into an ale-themed competition. Preferably on Flag Day, which is the reddest, whitest, and bluest celebration of them all. And it is the best thing that’s ever happened.
Because how else can one describe an afternoon of drunken American glory?
Although in its rookie appearance, Beer Olympics made a bomb first impression for 2014, and we’ve got the photo stream and the hangovers to prove it. But unlike the “real” Olympics, four years is just too far away. Also, we don’t have communists to get to agree to hosting locations … yet.
What is Beer Olympics? Glad you Asked
For those who are wondering what exactly beer Olympics consists of,* it’s this:
Backyard games of the non-intelligent type that are performed while drinking one’s beer of choice. Hopefully in a lizard-themed koozie. And the team that wins the most games, wins.
Because this event requires teams, make people commit early. And if they bail, you take screen shots of their social media posts that prove their previous excuse to be false and show them what an online sleuth you really are. Then dis-invite them to all future beer Olympic events on account of them obviously not wanting to come.
Be careful what you wish for, you liars.
Groups should host a somewhat even amount of genders and skill level. But should also be “random” to avoid “cliques”.
If everyone in that team shows up the night before, all the better for bonding purposes. Except when that means mixing whiskey in coffee, like some sort of drinking sprinters who showed up to a marathon.
The best part of them all, the games. Here, teams compete bracket style until there is a universal winner. Choose your own games but pack along plenty of Solo cups – because what list of backyard games doesn’t include plastic cups? Also half of them will get crushed in all the drink slapping fury.
When shirt orders fall through, just recreate an Etsy find on free photo editing software and take a screen shot. Which is then printed onto iron-on paper (backwards) and ironed onto men’s tanks that were purchased in bulk. Ghetto? Maybe, but it worked and cost, like, $5 each.
These shirts, BTW are a huge pop-off to former K-State student body president Dalton Henry, who called me out for being a “girl editor” in 2010. He walked into the newsroom, my place of employment at the university paper, and when I asked the managing editor (a guy) a question about InDesign, Henry guffawed, said “girl editors” and laughed. Way too hard. Dude’s lucky he couldn’t run for a second campaign because I would have kicked his political world right between the thighs. PS I creeped on his company website and it looks like it was designed by me circa 2010, unrecognizable characters and all. Who’s struggling with the Internets now, you miserable horse face?
Did I forget to mention that my team won? Well, MY TEAM WON! Shout out to all of my fellow teammates – even the whiskey drinkers – for helping set the standard for greatness. Clearly no one can booze, game face, or win as hard as we can. So wear that medal with pride, friends, cause we freaking earned it.
*Mom, Grandpa, and two out of three Grandmas. (The third has yet to be consulted about the event.)