Things That Happen When you Join a Gym
Things That Happen When you Join a Gym

I joined a gym … here are some of the things that have happened in my first month as a paying-for-fitness yuppie.

And don’t worry, I still hate lifting weights (and running), but I don’t hate dancing. Bring on the hip-hop Zumba, terrifying teacher with infinite amounts of energy and who doesn’t need a microphone to make her voice carry across an entire sea of white women. Some day I will truly learn to shake it like you can. And not in the embarrassing, what-is-she-doing level that I’ve currently mastered.

  • Every time you show up you’re scared you got the schedule wrong because what are those people doing and why are they still doing it? And isn’t it time for the much more gentler version of toe pointing and rump moving?
  • The tats – they’re everywhere. And you are most scared of the smallest of people with the largest tattoos – 20% of body coverage and up. Do not get in their way.
  • Pretty much every guy wears giant headphones. And you try to come up with the knowledge to price match each set just by looking at them. Because you are bored on the elliptical and also want to know how serious they are about their music listening.
  • Your favorite teacher will announce her pregnancy and while everyone congratulates her you’re all, “But you’re not taking a maternity leave, right?”
  • You wonder how many people have touched the surfaces you’ve already touched and how sick you can get from said touching. Cause I’m thinking random virus no one has heard of and that only transfers through gyms.
  • Middle-aged women will wear bell skirts to said dance classes. As in skirts COVERED IN BELLS. They will ding and jingle the entire class and it will make you want to murder everyone over the age of 46. minions dancing in zumba exercise
  • There are cliques. Who hug – multiple times – during a class. Even when they are the sweatiest. Sometimes because one hugger finally found matching socks. Which is obviously something to be celebrated with full-frontal contact.
  • Muscles you never knew existed will hurt and prevent you from living your everyday life.
  • The people watching, it’s some of the best around. Except when the tables turn and people are watching you. Unless it’s the cute ones and they’re enjoying it, but not overly enjoying it, guy-who strategically-places-himself-on-the-bike-that-can-see-into-the-“low impact/excess-bending”-room.
  • You will equally parts love your new workout access while hating how much money you’re contributing to a town monopoly.
  • You keep going since you’re paid up.
  • You write this blog.


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