Brushing Back up on my California Slang
Brushing Back up on my California Slang

Good news everyone – well, good news for me: I’m going on vacation. A long one. Because I am self employed and because I want to. And also because I miss my sister, who is now a resident of the West Coast. In less than 10 days I’ll be visiting her and her California-based location. For almost two full weeks of hang time, clothes sharing, and being ultra touristy — what up, Hollywood. BTW is Tijuana safe yet?

And I’m getting super pumped about it. I haven’t seen her since my last vacation, which is going on five full months, which is too long to have not taken a vacation for, IMO.

Yes, This Announcement is Safe

hall monitor badge safety gearFor all the paranoid readers out there, yes this announcement is totally safe. I may be leaving soon, but my roommate and her super vicious dog will still be holding down the fort – our fort, not the nearby military base … unless she’s making a career move I don’t know about. And when I say “super vicious,” it definitely doesn’t mean said dog will be your best friend if you pet her or offer her a treat, so don’t try it. Seriously.

Finally, if you think you can get past all of those incredibly difficult obstacles, good luck with Toga, because he’ll claw your eyes out. Which is exactly what he’s done to everyone who’s broken into our living quarters before. Though if his grandma Cork Head has anything to say about it, he’ll be staying at her place. So she can make him extra fat* and steal all his loud purrs.

The Cali Venacular

Since I’ll be living the beachy life, it’s time to get back in touch with the California ways. Like saying weird things that everyone else but the out-of-staters understand. For instance:


Term to describe someone or something that is extremely ghetto or shady. A hot mess to end all other hot messes.

For example, brushing your teeth in a Denny’s bathroom. Not because you didn’t have the opportunity before, but because you were lazy – ratchet. Packing 10 girls into a single hotel room, three-deep in each double bed, where an air mattress blocks the only path to the bathroom and the TV stand must be walked upon for any late-night water drinking – ratchet. Also, getting kicked out of a continental breakfast for not wearing shoes. Even though other guests arrived in boxers; shoes were required, pants were not. Apparently – ratchet.


Shortened version of calling someone retarded. Also, Hilde’s nickname. Not because of her behavior, originally, but as a variation of her (actual) name. Then, when she did not understand what it meant, and agreed to be called by it (enter rere behavior), it stuck.

Bye Felicia

definition of bye felicia friday movieHailing from the movie Friday, when some chick named Felicia got told she was irrelevant with one swooping, “Bye Felicia.” A number of my sister’s friends have this very term tattooed on their forefingers so that, when made angry, they can mustache up in true pop-off fashion.

Examples: When you have plans with a friend and they give a crap excuse and then are tagged on social media … with locations on. Bye Felicia. Or when a randy is trying to impress you by telling you 1) that he played college football and 2) that your alma mater is “irrelevant.” So you respond by asking where he played (with excess shade) and he says Mizzou. Bye Felicia.


Telling someone where they can go with their bad behavior. A nicer will smith snapping fingers swerveversion of “up yours.” Made more effective with a “talk to the hand” hand gesture or serious head tilting.

Real life moments: Ninja texting. Swerve. When the through-the-wall neighbors run on dual treadmills until 11:30 pm on a Tuesday. Swerve. When the downstairs neighbors roll your grill to the dumpster and STEAL THE PROPANE TANK straight from its holster. Swerve to infinity degrees, you unemployed chain smokers.

The vacation countdown has begun ya’ll – and I could not be more ready.


*At his second-to-most recent vet appointment, Toga weighed in at a hefty 16.7 pounds. Not because of fat, but because of being huge. He then dropped almost two pounds from being allergic to shots, though I’m confident he’ll gain back his muscle in a timely manner.


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