The Men of California: A Commentary on the Opposite Sex on the Opposite Coast
Posted by Bethaney - Tagged , , ,
The Men of California: A Commentary on the Opposite Sex on the Opposite Coast

Tired of reading about my vacation yet? Too bad.

California men are super blunt. Like, let’s-go-get-married-but-not-have-kids-for-two-years blunt. And it’s something to get used to. Not that men “back home” are passive, or even vague, but they at least beat around the bush A LITTLE when they want to [fill in the blank] with you. So as to not scare women off. Like we were skittish cats who need to be approached slowly.napoleon dynamite milk quote meme

So being around all the men who are like, “Let’s bone, yesterday,” comes with a bit of a learning curve. If for nothing else than working on a poker face.

The tactic was described to me, by one of them, as a way to pick up women. By being “sarcastic as f*ck.” So they can get closer to their main target, which is ladies, on all levels of classiness.

Because it makes us laugh, and then they have an “in.” A weird one, but an in nonetheless. And really, it kind of works; it’s novel.

That and who, aside from nuns, doesn’t like being flattered?

Types of Dudes You Will Bond With

Out of all your sister’s male friends, it turns out you’ll have a different type or relationship with each of them. Because of personalities. There’s the one who you had an afternoon-long bro date with, from circumstances. And with whom you bonded about life events and tea, especially at the beach. The one who is real particular about his hair despite harboring a love for roughhousing. There’s the one whose cheek you smelled for a scandalous-looking Snap. Again, because of being a bro. And one who is your personal chauffeur; he is “not dating” your sister, even though they act like a pair of 8th graders who are without supervision.the bro code barney stinson how i met your mother

Then the one who pretends to be your actual brother to strangers and to his kind-of girlfriend. But also says he wants to date you. Which is pretty weird, but no weirder than having a half-brother who’s a foot taller than you, grew up states away from you, and hits on relatives in his free time.

Finally, the one who threatened to fake propose. In public (but not at the bar; that would be ridiculous). A ruse you were somewhat ok with. One, because – against logic – you have a big schoolgirl crush on him and his motorcycle. And even though you don’t 100% know what to do with a tongue ring in your mouth, it seems like the type of problem that’s worth solving. But also because you’re never sure of his boiling point of joke.

Bringing It Home

Aside from all the peculiar-ness, you want to be best friends with all of them. Because they are super fun. And super up-front about life, even on the awkward things. Like how much they love dancing to Taylor Swift.

Maybe, instead of being surprised at this clearly foolproof tactic, we should all be so blunt. Say exactly what we want, even when it’s way far-fetched or half-true. Like wanting pets who don’t puke up meals, to not be asked personal questions by strangers, or to live in a world where SPAM does not exist. In email or in cans. With this newfound tactic, we’d call for a world without confusion, and especially without passive men.

It’s certainly something to strive for.


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