Shocker, I know. Everyone was super surprised to read that title. That I, the baby whisperer, am claiming to not know about infants. Or how to care for them, or dress them, or talk in that high-pitched voice that they seem to understand, but gets on adults’ nerves.
Just kidding! That was sarcasm, all of it.
It’s not that I hate babies or want nothing to do with them. It’s that I don’t quite know how they work; I’m out of practice. And really never have been in practice. By the time you get used to helping with one (a family member, for instance), they’re onto the next confusing stage. And you have to learn what to do with that new unpredictable age, which causes you to forget everything you just learned.
Also, I’ve never been one for strangers. I just assume get to know babies just like you do adults, with time and conversation. Seeing as the conversation part is a little one-sided, I most definitely need the time.
Once per week, I’m spending time with a tiny human. To whom I’m related. His mother trusts me to keep him alive, and I’d like to exceed those expectations.
I’m not an idiot. I get the logistics of it all. They eat, belch, get bathed and changed, and sleep – in a variety of orders and frequencies. But then sometimes they are uncomfortable, or want a parent, or have to sneeze and can’t make sense of the weird sensation in their nose. Or are tired of being trapped in my criss-cross-applesauce jail that keeps them upright while I stretch yet another shirt over their pumpkin head.
And I’m supposed to know why they’re crying? That’s where I get lost.
Pet Peeves About Kids
- When they’re not behaving and parents don’t care. Or don’t control them.
- When they can’t entertain themselves, even for a few minutes.
- They’re loud.
- They’re messy.
- Their equipment (strollers, car seats, diaper bags, etc.) takes up way too much space in public shopping areas.
- They’re terrible about picking out outfits.
- They make really bad dietary decisions (but really good physical fitness decisions).
My Pet Peeves About Adults
- When they don’t make kids behave.
- When they think their kid is superior to every other kid who’s ever existed.
- Strangers who talk to kids in public.
- Or who touch pregnant ladies’ bellies. I cringe even when I’m multiple feet away from the event.
- Close-talking to babies. Or toddlers. Or older children. Or pets. Or anything that is alive.
Seriously, get out of everyone’s faces. Always.