My Real and Ridiculous Fear of Hotel Waffle Makers
Posted by Bethaney - Tagged , , ,
My Real and Ridiculous Fear of Hotel Waffle Makers

Real life confession ya’ll: I’m afraid to use hotel waffle makers. They, much like having the remote pointed in my direction, are incredibly unnerving. Just how hot do those things get? And why am I making waffles in a public setting, like I’m some type of short-order cook that only serves herself? No thanks, I’ll stick to my yogurt cup and weirdly moist muffin instead. But thanks for the concern, guy who wore his pajamas to the dining area.

To date, I have never made a waffle that wasn’t frozen first; I am too freaked to even consider the irons. Even as an adult who is mostly logical and owns some things, I won’t touch those danger-breeding devices.

waffles-vs-pancakesWhile home versions do seem less terrifying, they take up serious cabinet space. Which is why I’ve never purchased one. Pancakes, in contrast, are made with a more universal dish – a fact that makes them superior, IMO.

As for the hotel waffle griddles, they’re in a whole new class. Restaurant worthy, I’m assuming, but available for public use. By the sheer size and amount of heat, they’re clearly industrial models, made for quick production and an efficient use of time. Like if waffles were made by a conveyer belt. Yet there’s no training needed in order to use them. In the same way U-Haul trailers don’t require a CDL to drive them. “Oh they don’t have air brakes,” they say, “Anyone can drive them!” As if that is some type of loophole that ensures safety.

As much business as I have making waffles – which is none – me driving a 26′ truck with a 12′ trailer, just because I can, would be an absolute disaster. Millions of exploding waffles bad.

Things that fuel my fear:

Where is the warning label? Or post of the hotel that says it isn’t responsible for waffle iron accidents? If restaurants have to place signs telling about hot coffees (no I’m not talking crap, I saw the documentary), common sense only dictates that the same should be done for a sizzling piece of metal that sits inches from kids’ cereals.

someecard hot mess awardIt’s a hot mess, literally. Batter gets everywhere. It also rises as it cooks. Factors that can create some painfully sticky injuries.

They can almost start fires. Batter smokes, guys. A cousin/friend even told me a whole football team once triggered a fire alarm with their waffle demands. The device that was made to create so many breakfasts in rapid sequence also smoked out the entire breakfast area. And brought in some firemen, probably.

The irons are not foolproof. Sure it tells you how much batter to use (or so my grandpa says), and sure there is a timer letting you know when to flip your breakfast (he also tells me), but there’s just so much that can go wrong. What if the batter isn’t poured evenly? And your waffle burns on one side, or heaven forbid, completely overflows, and is short and raw on the other? Gross/hard to eat. Or what if, insecure about your abilities to follow directions, you open the griddle too soon and cause a spill? What if the handle malfunctions and you burn yourself when following exact instructions? The axis could stop working at any time and leave you unable to flip your breakfast. And worst of all, if any of the above takes place and there is a line of strangers, waiting to make their own waffles. Probably seasoned hotel goers, too, so they would know exactly how to work the iron. Sure you’d never see them again, but you’d have to stand there and endure their stares of judgment for an entire three to five minutes. Then eat your mistake. Who can enjoy a waffle that way?

Not this gal.

In response to this post, I don’t need encouragement or instruction, or really anything. (Unless you’re on the same hotel waffle maker hating team, in which case we can get some t-shirts made.) But maybe a little understanding would be nice. So when I tell you, “No thanks, I’m off waffles,” there’s no peer pressure in response. I promise it’s not such a bad way to live. Happy, burn-free, and #teampancakes #forlife.


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