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The First Ever Man Basket: Aaron Tveit Edition
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Back in my days as a housewife, I created a catch-all contraption known as “The Man Basket.” Because I hate clutter with a fiery passion, I’d compile all the things that weren’t mine (but didn’t have a home), and put them into a single basket. But now it’s time to upcycle that term. Like it was a sack of cans getting exchanged for cash – something old for something better. You know, because I’m super green. Essentially, I’m picturing a literal basket full of men. So that, like drawing for charades, I can pick one and tell you what’s wonderful about them. (At whatever interval I feel like.) Because, as it turns out, I have an excellent talent for objectifying men. Except there is no actual basket and no picking; I’m choosing the names myself. But if you’re going to get that technical, we’ll never get anywhere. Quit asking specifics […]

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Olympic Athletes I’d Let Buy Me Dinner … Oh and BTW I’m Single Now
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Hold on folks, it’s about to get real. After three-and-one-sixth years together, Manny and I have called it quits. After all our quirky similarities, love for collecting pets, and leading a seemingly pioneer life – among other things – the sun has set on our day in the sun.* It’s over, done, finished, kaput, and for the Harry Potter lovers out there, finite incantatem – which just means that something explodes. From magic. Sure I’m “devastated” and “want to crawl into a hole every day and wake up as a different person.” And maybe my “heart feels like it’s going to puke,” but this too shall pass. Because my Mom told me it would. In conclusion to my whining: no bashing shall take place here or otherwise. In the words of Sara Barellies’ Undertow: “I couldn’t find a better man to let me go.” Besides, I also remembered all of […]

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I Want to be an Auctioneer
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In my adult life, I’ve been to 3.5 auctions. Charity, estate, or the getting-rid-of-crap kind, each hosts a bit of weird nostalgia that I tend to cling to. Where else can you get dirt-cheap items that come with a backstory of their own? It’s like buying entertainment along with each thing that you already need. Two birds. (I’ve got $2 Pyrex pans, $.10 books, and a collection of retro sheets* that all tend to agree.) But the best part of the auction by far is the auctioneer, the person spitting out numbers faster than my ears can translate them. Thirty-five, twenty, forty-five, and so on, etc. There is a general flow to which numbers are said and how often, but a flow I only minimally understand. Sure you nod, yell, or gesture when it’s your turn, but I seem to think the wrong person has the bid, or the numbers […]

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Sleeping Outside, Underrated
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“We should go halfway today and halfway tomorrow since you’re a less experienced hiker, and you’re wearing Sunday school shoes.” -Sam Shakusky, Moonrise Kingdom Camping, a so-called time honored tradition, a right of passage, is not something in which I generally partake. While I’m not exactly against it, when given the choice, I prefer to sleep on a plush mattress instead of a lumpy hard ground. When asked whether I would rather use a portable plastic bathroom, or one that has flushing capabilities, I will always choose the latter. There’s also the added uneasiness of sleeping under a thin layer of vinyl that may or may not succumb to the elements. And a list of other reasons – most of which involve comfort. Over the weekend, I threw out my former I-sleep-where-strangers-can’t-see-me mantra and headed to a weekend music festival. Featuring bluegrass as its main star, the event was filled […]

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The Great Hula-Off of Twenty-Twelve: Pregame
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For those who know I’m on vacation, this timely blog may come as a surprise. Even while I’m off globe trotting and exploring serious historical hot spots, I managed to fit in blogging time … or I took advantage of WordPress’s scheduling feature. You decide which. In either case, I’d like to quote one of my favorite irresponsible TV characters for the occasion. “Hello [blog reader], this is Andrew. Andrew Botwin. It pains me we couldn’t make this instant human connection. Leave a message, and while you do it, imagine me [reading] it, where I might be at the time, and what I might be wearing. Let that guide you.”           – Weeds, season four Several weeks and teeth brushings ago, I decided that self-grooming would be way less boring as a sport. Not in an I-can-floss-the-fastest type of way, but in a pogo-stick-jumping-while-hair-brushing type of […]

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Hair: When Too Much Meets Too Little
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With locks that continue to creep down my back, I have decided it is soon time to chop them off – and chop them off short. Just in time for summer, I’ll soon make a 45-minute undoable appointment. After not receiving a cut other (than a trim) in more than two years, my hair is racing down toward my feet and running the length of my torso. (However, this is less significant considering all my height is in my legs; my middle is awkwardly short.) While there is a certain appeal that comes with owning long hair, the cons are starting to outweigh the benefits. First is the amount of dollars I’m putting into conditioner – I can kill a gallon in two weeks. And the biggest downfall to my current cut: its weight. Wearing my hair up is a source of constant headaches. It’s either: have a headache, or […]

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