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The Midwesterner Goes South
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Note: This post was originally written for a Southern magazine, which (nicely) rejected it for being too controversial. Their new topic request is your gain. The first date my now-husband ever took me on was for coffee, like an IRL cliché. At the counter, standing next to the 5’3″ scrawny girl, he told the barista his caffeine preferences: “I like my coffee how I like my women: strong and stout.” Which is just hot he got it: piping hot and without sweetener. The request was forward, and left me with few comments – which is probably what any man wants out of life: caffeine and a surefire way to keep their lady quiet. Blinded by the Southern drawl and weaponry adorned across his waist (his “belt knife”), I was too smitten to ask if that was the truth. Should I consider a tan? Would my homemade coffee need to be stronger? Those […]

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We Salute You, Maker of the Bobby Pin
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Ladies of long hair, where would we be without the bobby pin? The small, yet incredibly helpful hair tool that keeps our tresses in place. They conceal, they pull in and tuck together, they harness even the thickest of hot mess hair days. And they do it all without so much as a complaint. Sure sometimes they stretch out or twist, but that’s nothing that can’t be fixed with some pliers. (By a man in our lives, obviously. Because we’re women.) Which lets us hold onto this amazing invention even longer. Guys, I’m serious. Bobby pins need a solid shout out. They’re underrated, and I’m ready to give them the thanks they deserve … aside from supporting the financial cause. In History Around the turn of the century, ladies decided, “To hell with this heat” and started chopping off their buns … hair buns, that is. Then they began wearing […]

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Famous Tea Parties I Wish I’d Gone To
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Now more than ever (with my new teapot in tow), I’m a sucker for a good cup of tea. It’s tasty, temperature appropriate — hot or iced — and comes in a multitude of flavors. If it were up to me, we’d have tea time tea parties every day of the week. Except Sundays, which are for church and napping. But as that has yet to become the status quo, instead, here’s a list of tea parties I would have liked to attend. I’ll assume my invitations got lost in the mail. The Mad Hatter’s She looks awful trusting of that Kool-Aid red tea. Boston’s I brought an appetizer, guys; I’m not cleaning. Ross Geller … I Mean Bea’s “I am Bea, I drink tea, wont you dance around with me?” Toy Story’s Not pictured: Buzz Lightyear/Mrs. Nesbit Mary Poppins’s (Even though I talked about Uncle Alberts’s floating tea party […]

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Cooking Beer in My Own Kitchen, A Review
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The following post is a review of Brooklyn Brew Shop’s Everyday IPA from Uncommon Goods. Back in 3100 BC – give or take a few hundred years – when the inventors of beer left grain out in the rain, and then dared their friend to drink it, the first beer was made. Thousands of years later, it’s still a favorite; it helps relax folks after a rough case of the Mondays, and by golly, it just tastes delicious. So when given the opportunity to brew some of my own, I took it. And why not? I love a good house-wifey challenge. Besides, Manny and I had been wanting to take on this new venture for some time, what better than a kit specifically designed to do so? Consuming Beer, A History First, a little background on my beer drinking palate: In college, I was a hoarder of Bud Light cans, […]

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No, You Have a Lot of Grandmas
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Since entering this world as a black-haired baby – hair which then fell out, I’m told – I have been the recipient of three loving grandmothers. One great and two regulars. No steps or halfs about it, all three ladies are biologically mine, and they are all great at baking things. Sure some are more embarrassing and some are more Italian, but that doesn’t make them any less great at wearing hats or watering flowers. Are those somewhat unfair stereotypes? Perhaps, but in this case they just happen to be true. My grandmas also know their way around a sewing machine, are incapable of cooking for two people, and own an infinite amount of jewelry – valuable or otherwise. Grandmas are great. Of course I know this. They took you shopping as a kid, still cook your favorite dishes, and have some of the best nostalgia stories you’ve ever heard. […]

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Resoluting into MMXIII
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As an unwritten rule, I tend to think New Year’s resolutions are a real hack. Gym memberships double, booze sales plummet, and bills are paid on time … until the world cozies back into its former ways. If I want to do something, it happens regardless of time or placement on my “cats in hats” calendar.* Last year (which really means three-ish weeks ago), when guacamole sounded good, I just made it. No celebratory to-do needed. When my socks run out, I wash them, no social pressure or anything. Supply meets demand. Perhaps I’ve never made a resolution because a need and date have never coincided. Or maybe it was stage fright, which seems to occur more often during things that are lame. This year, however, the dry streak ends. My “resolution” has come and it’s happening real hard. My goal? Vocabulary. There are billions of old-timey, knee-smacking-ly good words, […]

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