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Here’s My “Resolution”: To Not Wear Pants
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New Year’s Resolutions are dumb. IMO. If you make one, you are dumb. And if you don’t stick to it, you’re even more dumb. If you want to do something better in life, just do it already and quit using waiting on the New Year as an excuse. Also, resolutions are basic as basic comes – barf. So instead of making an obligatory goal, I’m doing something weird. Like usual. Last year it was this nifty list of mugs. This year, I’m nixing pants. Exchanging them for their cozier and butt-huggier counterparts, the legging. On account of me owning so many pairs and them being so comfortable. Also it sounds fun. A type of personal challenge which is also not that much of a challenge. Following the Law To make it interesting (and legal), here are the rules: No laundry. At least for leggings/non-pants. Shirts and undergarments are allowed to […]

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Last Week Was Christmas And I’m Lazy/Really Busy
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As you may or may not know (or care about), I write posts a week in advance. It just seems to run more smoothly that way. And also it gives me seven entire days to stew and laugh (really hard) about whatever nonsense I came up with. Anyway, that schedule means today is Christmas Eve Eve (as in the eve to the 24th, which is also known as the 23rd) and I have thousands of things to do. THOUSANDS, I tell you. And writing this blog isn’t exactly number one on my list right now … or even number four. No offense guys, but there are presents to be knitted and actual paying work to be turned in. And emails to be sent. Showers to be taken. Cookies to be made … you’re getting the picture. So anyway, not sorry for half-assing this. I’ll be back to full-assing just as soon […]

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Halloween Isn’t Over, You’re Over
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Seeing as how I never wrote a Halloween post, I’m doing it now. Or maybe I wrote this three months ago and forgot about it – which seems just as plausible. Either way, this blog is about Halloween. Why? It’s a glorious holiday that deserves to be celebrated online just as much as it is IRL. In fact, it’s so glorious that I devote an entire Pandora station to its themes. And I listen to it year round, not exclusively, but whenever the ghoulish mood strikes. Here are some of the pimp-glorious songs they play. Halloween Hootenanny Sally’s Song Ghostbusters Superstition Riboflavin-flavored, Non-carbonated, Polyunsaturated Blood Honorable Mention Thriller (duh) I Put a Spell on You Weird Science The Time Warp Witch Doctor The Munsters (theme song) Love Potion Number Nine (double duh) Or you can just create your own Pandora station, the obvious choice.

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The First Ever Annual Beer Olympics
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America – the land of the free and the beer-drinking brave. Where the star-spangled flags are flowing, speed limits are suggestions, and where beer is served in slightly-above-freezing temperatures. Where, thinking caps in tow, we can turn an entire day of holiday celebrating into an ale-themed competition. Preferably on Flag Day, which is the reddest, whitest, and bluest celebration of them all. And it is the best thing that’s ever happened. Because how else can one describe an afternoon of drunken American glory? Although in its rookie appearance, Beer Olympics made a bomb first impression for 2014, and we’ve got the photo stream and the hangovers to prove it. But unlike the “real” Olympics, four years is just too far away. Also, we don’t have communists to get to agree to hosting locations … yet. What is Beer Olympics? Glad you Asked For those who are wondering what exactly beer […]

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Back When I Could Ballet
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Thanks, me. Last week it was my birthday. And to celebrate my aging yet further into oblivion, my parents took me to a ballet performance of Romeo and Juliet. Which was pretty much what you’d expect it to be – a story danced out with tights and way too much drama. The dancing itself was wonderful, but when it comes to throwing in a storyline, everything goes to crap. Or if you’d like it in math form: dancing alone = great, then + a plot and it’s a bunch of flamboyant hacks prancing around in pleather. If real-life sword fighting required that much jumping, no one would have the stamina to take on a single dual. They’d be winded after their first pass. Inigo Montoya wouldn’t have been able to stab anyone with all those leg flourishes getting in the way, let alone a guy with an extra finger.* Anyway, […]

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I Lived in the Same House as Someone From Who the Bleep did I Marry
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Hold your freaking horses. It’s true. The country house, the same one where a mouse ran across my face, and where we froze our rears off, was once home to a Who-the-Bleep antagonist. Or rather, the reason for the featured normal person being on the show. And not only was it the home of the bad guy, it was a bad gal –one of the rare ladies out to ruin a husband’s live. Or in the case of Shauna Keith, abovementioned occupant, husbands’. She was a known bigamist. I’ll hold on while you pick your jaw up off the floor. If your not a fan of the show, it’s a real-life series on Investigation Discovery that features seemingly normal marriages gone wrong. Like the wife of Joey Buttafuoco or the DC Sniper. And also serial bigamist, Shauna. In case you want to learn more about her background, check out this […]

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The Weirdest Things About Christmas
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Ever year, without question, we go along with the holiday spirit. We buy the gifts, we hang the lights – the whole tinsel-covered shebang. But after years of joyous monotony, why have we never asked ourselves why the heck we sit on a fat guy’s lap? From cakes that can’t go bad*, to mildly offensive candies, here are the weirdest things about the Christmas season. Mistletoe Whoever decided people should kiss under a certain plant was a real creep. Maybe he** thought it would get him more smooches at parties. Or maybe he wanted to create a social experiment and see if people would be all, WTF, when he told them the décor’s purpose. Except no one ever did, and hundreds of years later people are still awkwardly kissing strangers. Whatever the original purpose, no thanks, everyone. Elves In the folklore that is Santa, why are elves making toys? How […]

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