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Find a New Home, Wind
Posted by Bethaney - Tagged , , , ,

It’s spring in the Midwest, which means you have absolutely no idea what the weather is going to do. And actually, it’s Kansas, so you have no idea what it’s going to do on any day ever. But after our second mild winter in a row, spring has come early – and it’s come in with gusto. As in gusting winds. At least a few days a week, Mother Nature is out there billowing and blowing the day away, sending allergies rampant through the air. Because of her antics, each of my outdoor rugs is weighted with a rock, and unless the trashcan is at least half full, it sits on its side. There is no point in constantly pulling it upright. Unfortunately, it’s not this glamorous IRL. She won’t stop this spring. Maybe for a day or two she’ll rest, but only to be zooming leaves through the air […]

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The Midwesterner Goes South
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Note: This post was originally written for a Southern magazine, which (nicely) rejected it for being too controversial. Their new topic request is your gain. The first date my now-husband ever took me on was for coffee, like an IRL cliché. At the counter, standing next to the 5’3″ scrawny girl, he told the barista his caffeine preferences: “I like my coffee how I like my women: strong and stout.” Which is just hot he got it: piping hot and without sweetener. The request was forward, and left me with few comments – which is probably what any man wants out of life: caffeine and a surefire way to keep their lady quiet. Blinded by the Southern drawl and weaponry adorned across his waist (his “belt knife”), I was too smitten to ask if that was the truth. Should I consider a tan? Would my homemade coffee need to be stronger? Those […]

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Thanks, Intense Wind
Posted by Bethaney - Tagged , ,

Lately, it’s been extremely windy. Like, front porch décor in the backyard, trash barrels flipped over, and window howling windy. It drones on at all hours of the day; the wind simply cannot be stopped. Whishhhhh, squeal, whirr, falluhhhh – for hours, and days, upon end. It’s also one of the worst parts about Midwestern weather. A solid gust of wind can decrease the temperature by like, 40 degrees, and that’s the least of its issues. Other wind-induced annoyances: Hair in Lip Gloss In fact, hair in the wind, period. It’s everywhere it’s not supposed to be. At all times. Crap Everywhere There’s trash in the yard. Décor that’s been tossed into new areas. Pieces of the neighbor’s wreath are found throughout the neighborhood. Mail has to be held on to with a death grip. Anything can get blown anywhere at any time. Wardrobe-Defying Abilities Any lady who regularly wears […]

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The Worst Part of Hunting is All of It
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The best part about having an outdoorsy husband is that they know how to do stuff. They can chop and hunt, and kill and clean, and you get to sit back and watch. (Then later, eat.) At least at all the parts that aren’t disgusting. At times it’s real manly, and I like knowing he knows how to do what I don’t. A balancing out of sorts. The worst part is they want you to like it, too. (Also gear is way expensive.) So, because they want you to be apart of something they love, like some type of jerks, they get you out of bed at 4 am, drive you to a remote location, warn you about drinking beverages because you won’t be allowed to use the restroom. And then they have you climb in a tree and sit. For hours. While only squirrels make noise and the LTE […]

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Yard Protocol: What Goes When it’s Not Your Grass?
Posted by Bethaney - Tagged , , , ,

As a life-long resident of small towns, I know what it’s like to be a neighbor. To recognize people’s names and cars, and to look out the window every time they pull in. That’s just keeping an eye on the neighborhood. Like any concerned citizen should do. Sure I’ve had music that was too loud or cat(s) who stared too much, but all-in-all, I like to think I’m not terrible at living next door. Even going as far as to wave or sweep off shared sidewalks … or at least not shove my leaves onto your section. On the flip side, however, I’ve also had some disgusting neighbors. Ones that were obnoxious, blocked in my car (or put up cinder blocks so there was only a single exit), or showed up unannounced. With or without baked goods. And ones that think their dogs are only allowed to poo on other […]

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Learning to Live With Grasshopper Saturation
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It’s summertime. Which means, much like humidity, bugs are omnipresent. They’re in the house. They’re nesting in the garage. They’re completely taking over outdoors. Because it’s warm out and also because that’s just what bugs do – they bite and they bother. (Knock on wood, mosquitos have been leaving me alone which must be from all of the pickles I sometimes eat.) Most of the time, that nuisance applies to bugs as a whole. This year, however, it’s exclusively grasshoppers. The green jumpers who flail themselves without caution. They are absolutely everywhere. And while it’s true that they don’t bite, even the most innocent bug becomes a problem when they’re coating your yard. Just how dense are they? Walking brings up a cloud with each step. There are carcasses on every concrete surface, each with a live hopper atop each, mourning through creaks and bent legs. Heading across the street […]

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High Winds Flip Tents, Whether or Not You’re Wearing Pants
Posted by Bethaney - Tagged , , , , ,

As outlined in in a guest blog not long ago, I like outdoor things only when it’s on my terms. Where I’m still technically camping in that I’m outside and there is no AC, but not without TOO many amenities. A tent is a must, an air mattress ideal, and if at all possible, I’d like to not be bug-bitten when crawling into “bed.” It’s a goal that requires ample packing, but also beats its alternative of sleeping outside (gasp) or on a cold ground (double gasp). Or living life as a dirty, smelly mess. Like God probably intended. Anyway, that’s exactly what Bo and I did last weekend, along with some friends. It was our first camping trip together, and my first camping trip in multiple years. The day was great, albeit hot. We fished, ate, hung out, and made ample use of the nearby restrooms so as to […]

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