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Weather Patterns that are Universally Un-Universal
Posted by Bethaney - Tagged , , ,

Considering I’ve lived in it my entire life, you’d think I’d be accustomed to Midwestern weather. How, no matter what the TV or Internet tells you, it’s going to be at least three climates in one day. (Probably all of the ones you didn’t dress for.) Calls for heat can mean actual cool temps and rain. And if they say it’s going to rain, it almost never does. Even when chance is 100%. That’s the way it is. You just get used to never being used to anything. Then you throw your hands up and say “That’s Kansas!” and no one thinks anything of it. Except for me who thinks everything of it. Why, after a lifetime of unpredictability am I still surprised when 101 degree forecasts turn into 89 degrees and sprinkles? Why, after decades of technological advancements, are weather stations still wrong – as a rule – about […]

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I’m Going to the South: Here are My Concerns

In honeymoon/vacation-type fashion, Bo and I are taking a trip this summer. An entire two weeks of road traveling, eating fast quick food, and experiencing new things. Or rather, me experiencing the things that he knew for the first decades of his life. Like fresh fish and coastal living, calling shopping carts “buggies” and coozies “huggies.” And other things that don’t exist in Kansas. Alligators. The choice of whether tea comes in sweet or regular. Crawfish – not crawdads. And all the fresh seafood one could ever think of eating. That’s what’s on our agenda. But what if I come back with an accent? Or develop diabetes after a single sip of that ultra-sugared tea? Or call things all of the wrong words until no one knows what I’m talking about? My Yankee ways will confuse everyone, even when they are smart and helpful. Like washing dirty hats in the […]

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Holding Down the Fort: A Commentary on Being Home
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My boyfriend, Bo, is gone on business. And I’m trying not to be a little bitch about it. Not because I think he’s off drinking martinis or asking busty waitresses for extra olives. (Mostly because he hates olives.) But because we can’t communicate. No calls, no texting, no Skyping, or any other form of back-and-forth other than me thinking something and assuming he thought it first. (A real recipe for disaster.) Because he’s off practicing bad assery, phones aren’t allowed. His boss doesn’t care about whiney girlfriends who miss their men. It cares about results and not having to put in cell towers where they don’t belong. In the big scheme of things, it’s not that big of a deal. I can’t talk to him for a few weeks. Boo freaking hoo. But here, in the status quo, the silence seems … in slow motion. I haven’t checked my phone in hours. […]

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Traveling Like a Ratchet: The Lemony Snickets of Februaries Part 2
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Last week we talked about a series of #WhiteGirlProbs. Today, we wrap them up … so we can all move on like they never even happened. Or just keep laughing about it – whichever feels better at the time.   After weighing some terrible options, Ginger Friend and I rented a car. In order to get home after missing our flight. On account of not wanting to spend a night in an airport or pay hundreds of dollars to take a different flight. Because of logic and my chronic lack of patience. We navigated the Internet and also the airport, until finding a PIMP deal. It was one of the few times I’ve proudly stated, “Yes I’m over 25” and meant it. A shuttle ride later, we landed near the tiny dream car that would save the day. We answered the company’s questions; we wanted to drop off our vehicle […]

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Things That Happen Because of Being From a Small Town
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In case the news wasn’t’ already out, I’m from a small town. Like, don’t-need-proof-of-insurance-because-everyone in-the-County-Clerk-office-knows-your-dad-is-an-insurance-salesman small. (Yes that’s happened the past two years while paying my tags.) With a population of 4,334 (according to Wikipedia) and a community where everyone knows everyone … and their corresponding beeswax, my hometown has been the source of a lot of weird shiz over the years. Like the above. Or how there is almost never a line in the post office or bank. No, seriously. How my Aunt and Uncle live directly across the street from my grandparents. (After my cousin and his betrothed purchased their old house.) Or when there was a bomb threat and I picked up my siblings and cousins – all in one stop – from the church they’d been bussed to. Also the time I went to visit my Mom and cousin at their joint place of work, and […]

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Sometimes Cops Are Nice And Change Your Tags For You
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Last week I got pulled over. On account of not having my proper tags on my car. It’d been two entire weeks since the new license place had been thrown haphazardly into my trunk. And since stashing Christmas shopping packages a few days prior, I’d forgotten completely about it. I, had, of course asked my dad to do it. Not because I didn’t know how or couldn’t. It was just cold and I didn’t want to. Then forgot. The task slipped Dad, AKA Wonk’s mind too, and there the tag sat. Any word on when the Winchester brothers are getting an updated tag style? You KNOW they can’t get pulled over. Until I got pulled over. By the nicest cop in the whole entire world. He was real gentle about it, didn’t use his sirens and introduced himself all nice. Not like in a grandpa way on account of him […]

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Why Don’t I Have a Pool?
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Now that summer is over (kind of), it’s time to ask some of the more serious questions in life. Like why I don’t live where there is a pool. Or rather, where I can use one legally. (I’m not against fence hopping in some instances, but not when you have to face your neighbors on a regular basis, and when they did not invite you to use their pool in the first place, it could get real weird real quick.) Yet despite living in the pretentious part of town – let me spell my street name for you one more time Jimmy Johns, even though YOU WON’T DELIVER HERE! – there are exactly zero bodies of water on the premises. And if you’re going to name a division after French words that translate to “lake or pool,” you should definitely have a lake or pool. Or multiples of both. My […]

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