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Yes I’m “That Old,” Where’s My Cookie?
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Someone once told me that being 28 is the worst age they’d ever been. That it was young enough no one took them seriously, but old enough to still sound old. And now that I’ve been every age to the one I am now, which is, you guessed it, 28, I’m going to have to agree. My number of years old is terrible. Why? Because it’s right in the middle of everything – where I’m not yet experienced enough to gain respect for being alive, nor am I young enough to be given newb treatment. Things are expected of me, and the ability to give advice is not one of them. That’s still beyond my years … not that should be confused with responsibilities. Which are coming in hot. People who are younger than me think I’m reaching dino status. And those older wonder why I don’t have four kids […]

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The Quest for Coffee: One Woman’s Adventure to Brew Joe in Her Own Home
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Let’s get the embarrassing stuff out of the way: I’m 28 and I’ve never owned my own coffee pot. Never. My parents – to this day – won’t touch the stuff. They make coffee, maybe four times per year, with the same appliance they received as a wedding gift. Thirty years ago. It still works great, BTW. Sometimes I drink from it, but only on holidays or if a grandparent is present. Otherwise it’s stocked up in a cabinet, nurturing mold that hasn’t been seen since the 80s. Maybe it was growing up under their roof that led me to live a coffee pot-less life. Obviously, I’d inherit theirs one day and continue the tradition of caffeine made with refrigerator grounds and a large, boxy machine – assuming it was Christmas or Easter. This is my parents’ real-life coffee pot. I texted my Mom for this picture, and she dug […]

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Foods I Want to Try This Summer
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I’m somewhat of an adventurous eater. Maybe I’m a little hungry while I’m writing this post. Or I might just need a hard copy of things I’m gearing up to eat on vacation. Probably a little of all of them. But I’m still making this list, so deal with it. The things I want to eat this summer, or at least try: All of this Seafood ALL of it. Homegrown Veggies Don’t mind me while I become a farmer’s market regular. (If you have one that lets you pay on the honor system, I need to know about it.) Chocolate Cake But maybe not all in one sitting. UNSWEET Tea — So Much Tea It’s my main vice. Salads in a Jar Don’t mind me while I get my Pinterest on.   Burgers Burgers with blue cheese, burgers with bacon. Seriously, where is the beef?!

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Being Healthy is Kind of Miserable
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Eating healthy makes you feel better. It’s a fact. So does exercise and not sleeping all day. Even when it’s freezing outside. But just because it’s good for you – and makes you feel better – doesn’t mean the actual act(s) themselves are enjoyable. Sometimes, even when it’s what you should do, and know it’s “the best thing for you” (or whatever), it’s all the more uncomfortable. Like when you go to the gym and it’s so crowded. And there’s never any parking. Or you don’t know how to use the different weight lifting machines. Or all the workers are wearing all black and up in your grill. Which is to say walking around and giving tours within 10 feet of where you’re located. Eating healthy sometimes isn’t that great, either. Like when you NEED something that’s salty and crunches when you bite. Or when the lettuce freezes, even in […]

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Sexism and Hypocrisy: Things That Happen
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It’s time I put my foot down. In the hardest, announciest way I know how. #ThatFootisMe   If I had an amount of money for every time I was talked down to, from having lady parts, I’d be retired and rich.* As if I, a woman, can’t function in life as efficiently as a man. That a Y chromosome is needed to make me complete, or safe, or financially stable, or whatever else it is about the male form that requires us gals to adhere ourselves to their existence. Even though I air up my own tires and take out my own trash, you know, when my roommate’s boyfriend hasn’t already done it. Not everyone follows this mantra – I’ll give you that – but a certain percentage of the population is still out there. Querying us with pity in their eyes and sexism in their hearts. Generally, it comes […]

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Dating is Awkward: And I Only Go for Out-of-Staters, Part 2
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In case you missed part one, click here – where I talk about standoffish men and my attraction to long-distance relationships. Getting hit on is … weird. Especially when it’s by creeps. Where men say weird things and make bad jokes on account of trying to impress you. Meanwhile you’re wondering what happened to their social skills and who let them out of elementary school that way. So you try to get rid of them as quickly nicely as possible. There have been some classics in my day, the “No thank you, we don’t want any,” the, “Thanks for the cookie,” the “Why don’t you grab your own ass instead?” and for the super terrify-ers, a straight, “Pop off.” Each of which has had a varying range of leave-me-alone success. Because, let’s face it. You know as soon as you see the guy whether or not you’re interested. Personality can change your […]

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Can Someone Just Publish My Book Already?
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About the time I graduated and moved back in with my parents, I started writing a book. A real David Sedaris-inspired collection of essays. But ones that didn’t necessarily relate to one another or have any cohesive theme. Which is what that one literary agent told me that one time. The accomplishment, I thought, would be a real pop-off to everyone who judged me for being a millennial. For paying my student loans with tips from scotch and waters … on account of me pouring the scotch far heavier than the water. That and they’d read my book and realize how hilarious I am. Essentially, it seemed like a great way to profit while handing out a large supply of comeuppance. Only it didn’t turn out that way. Four-plus years later I’m still sitting on this goldmine of a manuscript. (Goldmine, I tell you.) With only a few published essays […]

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