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Dating is Awkward: And I Only Go for Out-of-Staters, Apparently
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In my months as a single gal, there have been a string of out-of-staters with whom I’ve made company. Men who don’t live in the same town, let alone state, but whom I’ve fraternized with anyway. (I realize “string” makes me sound like a real tramp, but just roll with it. It’s not like they got into my Kansas or felt my Manhattans.) And I’ve made a real routine out of it. Just as soon as I know they live in a different state – apparently – I start a whole bit. First I find out their job, then how old they are, how many tattoos they have, and whether or not they are full of crap. The latter may be a silent question, but it’s one I’m asking all-the-same. Just how many across-the-country Joes have they been? Three. In four months, there have been three.* And I’m not doing […]

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My Apartment is Lesbian Free … “Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That”
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As an avid lover of Friends, I never thought much about the whole adult roommate situation. Not only was it financially responsible, it provided ample opportunities for pajama parties or locking one another in an oversized box. Also, the show told me it was smart to be BFFs with your across-the-hall neighbors. Because if you are only kind of friends, it gets awkward since you aren’t able to lie about plans. But if you are best friends, you don’t mind if they drink all your coffee and raid your closet. IRL, however, the practice is far sketchier; life has not turned out to be the sitcom I’d imagined. Since I’ve moved in, every resident on the floor has cleared out, leaving zero opportunities for across-the-hall besties. Only one friend has wedding-dressed-up to drink on the couch, and instead of being called “financially responsible,” I’m called a “closet lesbian.” On account of […]

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Six Years and No Wal-Mart
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Earlier this week marked my sixth anti-Wal-Mart a-versary. Which means it’s time to buy myself candy (done) and iron (double done), which are the official gifts of six faithful years. Probably a card, too, on account of me being so happy with the status. The Boycott Ever since shopping that-which-shall-not-be-named in July of 2008 – and having the absolute worst experience of my life – I vowed off of them forever. There’s been a handful of times where I’ve neared the premises with others, usually waiting in the car like some sort of brat. But zero patronage has come from my bank account. In fact, if I actually do enter their doors, I’m sure to use the bathroom out of spite. A flush/hand washing probably costs them all of $.002, but it makes me feel better. Which is really what counts. The boycott didn’t start off as political; I was […]

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I’m Mostly Homeless: A Series of Events
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It’s finally time to talk about the elephant in the room. Or rather, the elephant on the blog. The same thing I’ve been avoiding mentioning (sort of on purpose) for months: my living situation. Which currently, is a combination of addresses and locations. And yes, it’s super confusing and not at all normal – I’m constantly asking myself what address I gave my clients with this month? (Trick question, they never pay attention and mail to whatever’s on file – their checks always seem to find me). When am I picking up which set of mail? And where are the rest of my summer clothes hiding? Shopping spree instead? Ok! It’s not that I’ve been avoiding my lack of address, but it’s … weird. Like anyone trying to chomp off a bite of something gigantic, I didn’t know where to start. Secondly, I had a medium-serious iron in play, but […]

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I Lived in the Same House as Someone From Who the Bleep did I Marry
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Hold your freaking horses. It’s true. The country house, the same one where a mouse ran across my face, and where we froze our rears off, was once home to a Who-the-Bleep antagonist. Or rather, the reason for the featured normal person being on the show. And not only was it the home of the bad guy, it was a bad gal –one of the rare ladies out to ruin a husband’s live. Or in the case of Shauna Keith, abovementioned occupant, husbands’. She was a known bigamist. I’ll hold on while you pick your jaw up off the floor. If your not a fan of the show, it’s a real-life series on Investigation Discovery that features seemingly normal marriages gone wrong. Like the wife of Joey Buttafuoco or the DC Sniper. And also serial bigamist, Shauna. In case you want to learn more about her background, check out this […]

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Real Estate is Vicious: Meet Face Eagle
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You know how when your grandma finds you a house and tours it for you? (That’s a thing, right?) And then she meets with the owner and calls you by your middle name when you don’t respond to her quick enough? Well every now and then they hit a blue ribbon winner. A small, quaint, old (huge perk for me) house with a yard roughly 10-times the size of the house. A deal too good to pass. My Grandma, Face Eagle (a oronym for her actual name) gets things done. While most grandmas might say, “You’re looking for a house, that’s great.” Face Eagle says, “I set up two appointments for tomorrow; I’ll let you know if I like them.” In this case, she happened to like the house, as did I. Was it weird having my Grandma search the house and then tell the owner a little too much […]

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The Tooth Fairy’s Rookie Season
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Spoiler alert: children, do not read Because I have such a great track record as a nanny, my aunt and uncle enlisted my babysitting abilities a few weeks back. Whilst they spent some time on the beach, and went to Disneyland/world (which I know because they brought me back the best of Mickey shirts), I was large and in charge. A&U have four kids – ranging eight years between them (an impressive feat if you ask me) – two teenagers, one in-between, and one still in single digits. And during the beach run (which is probably deserved every other week), I was to stay with, deliver, cook for, clean up after, and homework check their offspring – and other activities that come with watching kids who aren’t yours. Throughout the almost week, I realized much of parenting is not sleeping and making kids hate you. “No, you can’t have that […]

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