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Learning to Live With Grasshopper Saturation
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It’s summertime. Which means, much like humidity, bugs are omnipresent. They’re in the house. They’re nesting in the garage. They’re completely taking over outdoors. Because it’s warm out and also because that’s just what bugs do – they bite and they bother. (Knock on wood, mosquitos have been leaving me alone which must be from all of the pickles I sometimes eat.) Most of the time, that nuisance applies to bugs as a whole. This year, however, it’s exclusively grasshoppers. The green jumpers who flail themselves without caution. They are absolutely everywhere. And while it’s true that they don’t bite, even the most innocent bug becomes a problem when they’re coating your yard. Just how dense are they? Walking brings up a cloud with each step. There are carcasses on every concrete surface, each with a live hopper atop each, mourning through creaks and bent legs. Heading across the street […]

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High Winds Flip Tents, Whether or Not You’re Wearing Pants
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As outlined in in a guest blog not long ago, I like outdoor things only when it’s on my terms. Where I’m still technically camping in that I’m outside and there is no AC, but not without TOO many amenities. A tent is a must, an air mattress ideal, and if at all possible, I’d like to not be bug-bitten when crawling into “bed.” It’s a goal that requires ample packing, but also beats its alternative of sleeping outside (gasp) or on a cold ground (double gasp). Or living life as a dirty, smelly mess. Like God probably intended. Anyway, that’s exactly what Bo and I did last weekend, along with some friends. It was our first camping trip together, and my first camping trip in multiple years. The day was great, albeit hot. We fished, ate, hung out, and made ample use of the nearby restrooms so as to […]

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Weather Patterns that are Universally Un-Universal
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Considering I’ve lived in it my entire life, you’d think I’d be accustomed to Midwestern weather. How, no matter what the TV or Internet tells you, it’s going to be at least three climates in one day. (Probably all of the ones you didn’t dress for.) Calls for heat can mean actual cool temps and rain. And if they say it’s going to rain, it almost never does. Even when chance is 100%. That’s the way it is. You just get used to never being used to anything. Then you throw your hands up and say “That’s Kansas!” and no one thinks anything of it. Except for me who thinks everything of it. Why, after a lifetime of unpredictability am I still surprised when 101 degree forecasts turn into 89 degrees and sprinkles? Why, after decades of technological advancements, are weather stations still wrong – as a rule – about […]

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I’m Going to the South: Here are My Concerns

In honeymoon/vacation-type fashion, Bo and I are taking a trip this summer. An entire two weeks of road traveling, eating fast quick food, and experiencing new things. Or rather, me experiencing the things that he knew for the first decades of his life. Like fresh fish and coastal living, calling shopping carts “buggies” and coozies “huggies.” And other things that don’t exist in Kansas. Alligators. The choice of whether tea comes in sweet or regular. Crawfish – not crawdads. And all the fresh seafood one could ever think of eating. That’s what’s on our agenda. But what if I come back with an accent? Or develop diabetes after a single sip of that ultra-sugared tea? Or call things all of the wrong words until no one knows what I’m talking about? My Yankee ways will confuse everyone, even when they are smart and helpful. Like washing dirty hats in the […]

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The Best Things About Spring
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It’s finally spring. Not just because the calendar says so, but because the weather now says so too. And I’m pretty pumped about it. No more Netflixing the day away (you know, unless you want to) while winds leak their way into windows and create way-too-high energy bills. No more starting the car at the front door (remote start, best invention ever) and waiting for it to heat up. And definitely no more layering clothes upon clothes until they just won’t fit. All of which calls for a celebration. For things like: Being Barefoot Who wants to wear shoes when not wearing shoes is a perfectly good alternative? Spring Flowers Pretty and smelling great. Barbecues Also pretty and smelling great. But tasting the best of all.   Sundresses I want to wear all of the dresses. All of them.   Tomato Planting Time There really is no better breakfast than […]

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Holding Down the Fort: A Commentary on Being Home
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My boyfriend, Bo, is gone on business. And I’m trying not to be a little bitch about it. Not because I think he’s off drinking martinis or asking busty waitresses for extra olives. (Mostly because he hates olives.) But because we can’t communicate. No calls, no texting, no Skyping, or any other form of back-and-forth other than me thinking something and assuming he thought it first. (A real recipe for disaster.) Because he’s off practicing bad assery, phones aren’t allowed. His boss doesn’t care about whiney girlfriends who miss their men. It cares about results and not having to put in cell towers where they don’t belong. In the big scheme of things, it’s not that big of a deal. I can’t talk to him for a few weeks. Boo freaking hoo. But here, in the status quo, the silence seems … in slow motion. I haven’t checked my phone in hours. […]

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Anything Can Happen Week, But Only Some Things Did
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Most days, I am boring. I work, I work out. Finish chores, make lists of other things that need checked off. I eat, and also sleep, and play with my cat. His litter box gets cleaned in the evenings. Right before I shower and settle into my already-made bed. Of course, fun is had. But in a timely manner – once responsibilities have been taken care of. Bills paid. But last week, it was one for the books. Crazy shiz was happening every day. I got record amounts of work done. Fun approached haphazardly and without warning. Sickness struck even when there was plenty to be done, which I powered through. Wednesday events happened on a Tuesday, Friday was a whirlwind. Normal Tuesday events didn’t take place at all. It was like I was some sort of college heathen who never knows what day it was. A whopper of February […]

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